Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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