and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
