So drunk its hurt
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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