finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
