the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
