Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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