We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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