Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
