when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize