when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
