The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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