At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
