this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
