The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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