if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
