I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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