He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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