My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
