My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I cut my penus on the lid.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
