My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
