Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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