dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
