we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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