i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
