Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
