this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
