I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
