So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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