This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
