my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
