one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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