In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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