Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
