a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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