My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
