ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
