Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
