I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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