why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
