I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The convent might be a nice break from real life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
