Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
