Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
