whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
