rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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