i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just threw up on my dentist
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
