It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
