did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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