Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
