You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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