for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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