I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
