I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
