im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
