i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
