Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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