I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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