This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
