Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
