for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Randomize
